Thursday, September 08, 2005

new thoughts @ 2:31 PM

being a cca leader didnt really change me much. it jux makes mi feel lonelier than ever. whenever i got activities that relates to being a leader, i jux hv to leave my frens behind, put on a nice mask, and act enthu. im not a person of many words by nature, and ppl really hv to know me well, before i can open up to them. this i cant change, cox no matter how i tried to talk more, i jux couldnt. it's not in me. i jux love sitting ard, listening to ppl talk, formulating my own opinions and observing the surroundings. i love writing, not talking. so i guess im pretty much an insignificant person bah, cos of my speech problem. this characteristic of mine, hv make mi shy ard strange people, whom i've nv meet before. when i try to talk to them, i wld not find a common topic. so over time, i guess i jux stop trying. what i like to talk about, is not gossip, fashion and other things ppl love to talk abt these days. i love to talk abt dreams, aspirations, history, social issues, my experiences and books. all these, i guess no one actually shares the same interest as mi. too long hv there been no meaning in my life. forcing myself to talk to ppl abt those popular issues instead of wat i really like. im tired. in a way, im restricted. but im not complaining, cox it's my fault tt i cldnt keep it up any longer. maybe i didnt try hard enough. nobody wld b interested if i begin talking abt history n stuff. why shld i bore them with tt? ppl got different preferences. maybe when i recovered from my fatigue, i will continue with my mask.

anyway tried to study bio in school today. didnt realli succeed cox there was construction going on and lots of people there. i cld jus feel my concentration faltering. so ended up wanting to go home. maybe i will hv new inspirations there bah. i see the school, i oso feel sad. duno wat's wrong with me today. felt sad ever since i woke up. no particular reason. jux tt desire to shut myself up. hardly any smiles from me today. even if there is, it's probably a smile out of courtesy, not from the heart. acting is really tiring.

when i got home, i cldnt really control myself. keep eating n eating. as in all the junk food lar. i ate wan wan crackers, both original and cheese flavour, spooned peanut butter, and stuff famous amos cookies into my mouth. and the strange thing, i dont feel full at all. felt so empty lar. the food doesnt fill up the emptiness that im experiencing. then i thought again; im so lucky, why should i feel sad? at least my meals and education are provided for. there are other ppl in much worst states than mi - they hv to work n study at the same time, and hv all the reasons in the world to feel upset, and yet they don't. somehow this thought didnt cheer mi up. it jux make mi feel so weak, and small. am i really inferior to them?

emotions are really weird stuff. they affect u in every single thing u do, but yet, the school didnt teach us to handle our emotions. they concentrate on the academic part instead. shouldnt an education be well-rounded?

one fren asked: "what's love? why is it so profound? and how to tell if u are in love?" i think the answer differs bah, cos we are all individuals with our own thinking. to me, love is a kind of force. it drives u on. it makes u feel secure. it makes u feel like u can sacrifice eveything in the world jux for the person u love, even ur life. it makes u taste the sweetness n bitterness in life. it helps u find the meaning in life, ur purpose here. yup, generally this is wat i thought. but i do not agree that love is profound. cox it's within us, and each n everyone of us can love. tt's jux human nature isn't it? the last qn is a bit tricky bah. everyone got different ways of loving, that's why. im not sure about this, but maybe if you think of the person every single moment u hv, and find urself relating everything to him/her, u feel that u are ready to make heavy sacrifices for him/her and want to share everything u hv with him/her, pehaps that shows that u are in love.

anyway to those ppl who care about mi, dun wori too much abt mi. i need rest, but i will nv let the fighting spirit disappear. thanks everyone. =)))

Thursday, September 08, 2005

new thoughts @ 2:31 PM

being a cca leader didnt really change me much. it jux makes mi feel lonelier than ever. whenever i got activities that relates to being a leader, i jux hv to leave my frens behind, put on a nice mask, and act enthu. im not a person of many words by nature, and ppl really hv to know me well, before i can open up to them. this i cant change, cox no matter how i tried to talk more, i jux couldnt. it's not in me. i jux love sitting ard, listening to ppl talk, formulating my own opinions and observing the surroundings. i love writing, not talking. so i guess im pretty much an insignificant person bah, cos of my speech problem. this characteristic of mine, hv make mi shy ard strange people, whom i've nv meet before. when i try to talk to them, i wld not find a common topic. so over time, i guess i jux stop trying. what i like to talk about, is not gossip, fashion and other things ppl love to talk abt these days. i love to talk abt dreams, aspirations, history, social issues, my experiences and books. all these, i guess no one actually shares the same interest as mi. too long hv there been no meaning in my life. forcing myself to talk to ppl abt those popular issues instead of wat i really like. im tired. in a way, im restricted. but im not complaining, cox it's my fault tt i cldnt keep it up any longer. maybe i didnt try hard enough. nobody wld b interested if i begin talking abt history n stuff. why shld i bore them with tt? ppl got different preferences. maybe when i recovered from my fatigue, i will continue with my mask.

anyway tried to study bio in school today. didnt realli succeed cox there was construction going on and lots of people there. i cld jus feel my concentration faltering. so ended up wanting to go home. maybe i will hv new inspirations there bah. i see the school, i oso feel sad. duno wat's wrong with me today. felt sad ever since i woke up. no particular reason. jux tt desire to shut myself up. hardly any smiles from me today. even if there is, it's probably a smile out of courtesy, not from the heart. acting is really tiring.

when i got home, i cldnt really control myself. keep eating n eating. as in all the junk food lar. i ate wan wan crackers, both original and cheese flavour, spooned peanut butter, and stuff famous amos cookies into my mouth. and the strange thing, i dont feel full at all. felt so empty lar. the food doesnt fill up the emptiness that im experiencing. then i thought again; im so lucky, why should i feel sad? at least my meals and education are provided for. there are other ppl in much worst states than mi - they hv to work n study at the same time, and hv all the reasons in the world to feel upset, and yet they don't. somehow this thought didnt cheer mi up. it jux make mi feel so weak, and small. am i really inferior to them?

emotions are really weird stuff. they affect u in every single thing u do, but yet, the school didnt teach us to handle our emotions. they concentrate on the academic part instead. shouldnt an education be well-rounded?

one fren asked: "what's love? why is it so profound? and how to tell if u are in love?" i think the answer differs bah, cos we are all individuals with our own thinking. to me, love is a kind of force. it drives u on. it makes u feel secure. it makes u feel like u can sacrifice eveything in the world jux for the person u love, even ur life. it makes u taste the sweetness n bitterness in life. it helps u find the meaning in life, ur purpose here. yup, generally this is wat i thought. but i do not agree that love is profound. cox it's within us, and each n everyone of us can love. tt's jux human nature isn't it? the last qn is a bit tricky bah. everyone got different ways of loving, that's why. im not sure about this, but maybe if you think of the person every single moment u hv, and find urself relating everything to him/her, u feel that u are ready to make heavy sacrifices for him/her and want to share everything u hv with him/her, pehaps that shows that u are in love.

anyway to those ppl who care about mi, dun wori too much abt mi. i need rest, but i will nv let the fighting spirit disappear. thanks everyone. =)))